Walking out to get the mail last week, I noticed that the sun was hitting the house at the same angle and with the same intensity. The air smelled the same. Summer getting shorter, halfway done. A familiar drone to the traffic on Moraga Way; the late afternoon sound of commuters returning home. It feels the same. The same as that last day we were all together. “Let’s take one more photo on the front porch!”

The front porch; where stacks of other photos were taken.

First day of school.

Ready to go Trick-or-Treating.

A Christmas Card.

One more photo before we go.

I didn’t know it would be the last one.

I’m thinking of you John. It was a year ago, and I’m transported back to that date, that moment. We had our penultimate 2.5 days together at the lake and now it was time for Matt to get back to Cambridge and prepare for his school year. We had stretched out our time together as far as we could, wedging it in-between Matt’s attendance at Outside Lands and your work schedule. Do you remember? Matt agreed to a red-eye so we could have as much time together as we could. We left the lake as late as possible.  You had to stop at In-n-Out, leaving Matt only an hour to pack before we had to leave for the airport.  United flight 408 departing at 8:53 PM, Wednesday August 13th, 2014. A year ago.

It was almost time to go. We were out in front, stalling. Matt was packed, but not ready to leave, not ready to say goodbye. Casey stopped by to pick you up. You two were going to hang out, grab some dinner, and catch up while Dad and I took Matt to SFO. Good thing he came by. He was able to take that last photo. Remember?

I’m not sure what we did on Thursday. I only have text records and date stamps on photos as clues to help me remember, and there are none. I guess it was a day like any other when you were here. My wanting to take in as much as I could of you, as much as the 21-year-old-you would let me.  I was always trying to get a reading on how you REALLY were feeling. How you were REALLY liking your job. How you were REALLY dealing with Shelby being in Argentina. I wish I could remember more. There is a blurry vision of us in the kitchen, chatting while I made you food, but I could have it mixed up with any number of other days. I didn’t know this would be the last one.

Your flight back to Colorado left on Friday morning at 10:25. You needed to return early enough to get to work that night. Southwest flight 913 out of Oakland, a convenient time for Dad to drop you off on his way to the office, so I didn’t go. I tried to make you your favorite breakfast or pack something for the flight but you said you weren’t hungry, you’d get something at the airport. There would be plenty of time. A big hug in the driveway. I didn’t know this would be the last one.

You loaded Ally-dog into the back of the car and hopped into the front seat. I waited for you to look up after you buckled your seat-belt.  Dad backed the car out and turned down the road. I stood waving from the garage in my plaid flannel pajama pants and fleece pullover. Bye John! See you soon!

You were looking down at your phone. You didn’t see me waving goodbye.

And then, you were gone.