April 8, 20015.  I got John’s iPod last night.  It was wrapped up with a note from a friend who got it from her friend, who got it from her son who was John’s room mate.  I wonder now if there was more of a story about how it got from him to me.  I’m glad to have it.  Really glad.

Slipping it out of the envelope, its heft a weighted gem. The Hope Diamond to me. Seventh generation iPod classic, circa 2009. The screen is marred and its chromed, stainless steel back is textured with scratches.  I’ve never had an iPod, and it feels awkward, uncomfortable in my grasp.  I’m not sure how to use it, to access its contents.  It’s an Apple product; intuitive, and I quickly figure it out.  20,350 songs.  A lifetime worth of songs.

Riches. A window into John’s life.  A direct line to him.  I am almost sick with anticipation about being able to access what was his.  What he loved.  What moved him and touched his soul.  20,350 insights into him.

I scroll to “songs”.  They are listed alphabetically.  First up, “A-Team” By Ed Sheeran.  One word, one note sung and I’m transported to another place, another time when I’ve heard his voice and I’m with John.  The music is whirling around me.  I’m whirling around it.  Spun in a haze with John and Ed Sheeran.  It was another Ed Sheeran song that was sung at John’s memorial in December.  But I’m here now with these lyrics. They slam into me.

“It’s too cold outside, For angels to fly, Angels to fly

To fly, fly
For angels to fly, to fly, to fly
For angels to die”

I don’t want to hear that song, those lyrics. I click to the next song.

Alphabetically the next song is A.D.D. by XY, but I decide I don’t want to go through his iPod methodically, systematically, alphabetically, so I rotate to “Shuffle”, thinking that John might somehow pick the songs for me.

The iPod selects Miles Davis for me.  “Bitches Brew”. 26.59 minutes. Provocative. Extraordinary. The music shifts and changes; transforming as it continues.  Increasingly free form, free spirited.  When did John put this on the iPod?  How many times did he listen to it?  How was he moved by it?  What did he like about it?

Next up, “Please Don’t Go” by Manchester Orchestra.  Three strums and I’m hooked.  I love the song. It’s a combination of genres.  The lead vocalist’s voice has a comfortable familiarity, and then the lyrics….

“realizing that he didn’t need her as much

as he needed fixing again
wasn’t half as hard as he thought it was gonna be
well at least you’re being honest
don’t go
but you never listen
do you
don’t go
just go
don’t go”

Click. Meatloaf – “You took the words right out of my mouth”

Click. Bob Dylan – “Most likely you’ll go your way and I’ll go mine” (live version)

Click. Elvis Prsley – “Blue Moon”

Click. Tech N9ne – “Facepaint”

Click. Pink Floyd – Wot’s Uh The Deal”

Each song so different from the previous.

Suddenly I’m 14 years old.  I’m in a record store wandering the isles, with infinite genres at my fingertips.  Rap. Latin. Techno. Pop. Reggae. Blues. Zydeco, Acoustic, Dubstep, DJ mix, Electric Folk, Electro House, Funk, Gangsta, Garage. Gospel, Grime, Grunge.  Hip-hop, Indie.

I get to the row labeled “M”.  Mac Dre, Madonna, Marshall Tucker Band, Marvin Gaye, Michel Jackson, Miranda Lambert, Moby Grape, Mozart….

It’s all here.

I listen and I’m with John.