The scrawled notes taken when we spoke to the coroner hours after John’s death are garbled and illegible.  They don’t provide any meaningful information, so I called him back. I wanted an update and a recap of what he had told me when I was incapable of hearing what he was saying.  He is kind and soft spoken.  Understanding and patient.  “We can’t provide any information until all the test results are back”.  Sigh.  I think of all the possibilities, all the speculation, all of the “what if’s”.  I wonder what the coroner could tell me that would make this all OK,  something that would make it not true?  That’s what I want.  I want it to not be true. Focusing on how John died is not going to bring him back.  John is not coming back.  I need to focus on living in a world where John is no longer alive.  I need to focus on his life well lived, all of the good things.  Thinking of the good things makes me feel so much better than the “what happened” and “what if’s”.  I decide not to focus on what happened.  It doesn’t matter what happened.  What happened is that he had a too-short life that was well lived.  I am going to focus on that.