Today would be your 23^rd birthday, but you are frozen in time just short of 22.  You are constantly with me. My days are filled with thoughts of you, even a year later.  I’m surrounded by things that remind me of you.  Every day, all day long I make connections to you, like this…..

A red Honda Fit passes me on the roadway.  I turn and look.  Of course it’s not you, but I can’t help but look, and wish.   Sometimes I think it is the ghost of you, flashing by, sending me a little “Hi Mom!”

A tall and handsome early twenty-something guy is getting on the airport shuttle.  His hair is a little long. He has a back pack slung over his shoulder.  He is wearing high white socks with his vans.  John socks.  Hi John. I’m remembering you.

Down by 17 with 6 minutes left, Steph Curry’s three-point shot at the buzzer sends the  Warriors into overtime in game three of round one of the playoffs.  Oh, how I wish I could hear you and Paul talking about the game on the phone.  Watching overtime together.

Minions.  With the release of Despicable Me II there are minions everywhere.  I remember you loved minions for some reason.  The minions staring at me from billboards, shopping carts, buses, store windows make me feel like you are looking at me….and laughing.  What did you like about these guys John?

A cheerful mixed race woman with dreadlocks is walking up the stairway next to me at Whole Foods in Oakland.  We laugh together as we both sidestep in the wrong direction trying to get out of each other’s way.  At the top of the stairs she offers me a flyer for a concert and asks, “Do you like Reggae?” and I say, “No, not really.” Adding automatically, “But my son does.”, in a half-hearted attempt not to offend her.  My son.  My son DID like Reggae music.   My son John. Oh, John.

Sweet Disposition by the Temper Traps is playing on my first visit ever to Dick’s Sporting Goods.  It’s the song I used to accompany your music video for your memorial.  It’s an obscure song, not one that should be playing at Dick’s Sporting Goods.  “Why here?  Why now?”  “Are you playing this for me right now John?”  Your music pops up in all kinds of surprising locations…

Like when Dad and I were working out in the gym on vacation in Hawaii.  “Don’t you worry Child” by Swedish House Mafia was playing.

http://https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1y6smkh6c-0

Your songs follow me and I can’t help think that you are controlling it somehow.  The songs we picked for the CD that John Allenberg made for you.  They follow me. “Wake Me Up” came on during the pre-game festivities at the A’s game.  Did you make that happen John?

“So wake me up when it’s all over
When I’m wiser and I’m older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn’t know I was lost

I tried carrying the weight of the world
But I only have two hands
Hope I get the chance to travel the world
But I don’t have any plans

Wish that I could stay forever this young
Not afraid to close my eyes
Life’s a game made for everyone
And love is the prize”

http://https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5y_KJAg8bHI

Hiking in the Sierras.  2,000 feet straight up in 1.5 miles.  I’m struggling in the heat.  I’m sucking wind on such an intense uphill climb.   A butterfly zooms in front of me, loops around and lands on a branch just above me ahead on the trail.  I pause to look at and it slowly opens and closes its wings. Once, twice, three times.  A salutation.  It’s waving at me.  I see you.  I love you mom.  I see you too John. Thank you John, I love you!

I’m on the dock at Lake Combie, lulled by the lap of the waves, relaxing in the anti-gravity chairs, the most comfortable deck chairs ever.  Remember the day we got those chairs John?  We brought them down to the dock and ate blackberry pie warm from the oven, made from berries picked that afternoon.

I think of that moment and the tears pool up.  I lift up my sunglasses and quickly wipe my eyes so no one can see me crying.  I miss you so much John.

I’ve never noticed so many dragonflies and butterflies.  They are everywhere.  Floating across the lake, flitting along the trail, perching on branches above me, buzzing me in the hammock.  I think of Wallace Stegnar and Crossing to Safety again and again.  The mortal substance of what was once a microscopic bit of John.  Hi John!  I see you John!  I love you John!

Grocery shopping at the cabin.  I need some chips for our guest’s kids for lunch.  Barbeque!  That’s what I’m looking for!  A new brand.  Kettle cooked in small batches from organic potatoes.  Perfect.  At home, I open the bag to share a taste with Paul.  He looks.  Boulder Canyon brand.  Made in Boulder.  “John would have loved these.” He says.  “Yes.” I say.  You would have loved them John.  I wish you could taste them John.  I wish you were here having lunch with us John.

An older guy walks by me wearing a Nor Cal tee shirt. It’s an old one. It’s the same one you had John. You’re wearing it in that photo in Belize.  That was a fun trip John.  I wish that we could take another trip together.  I miss you.

There is another Honda Fit.  “Hi John!”

Another butterfly, “Is that you John?”

I’m getting ready to go out and I reach for my favorite scented body lotion.  You gave me some the last few Christmases, remember John?  I always need a supply of my “signature” scent.  I check to see how much I have left.  What will I do when the last of your last gift to me is all gone?  Oh John, I miss you.

A zesty tomato sauce over a mix of kale and rice pasta calls for a glass of red wine at dinner.  It’s a weeknight, so we should only have one glass.  Saving the remainder of the bottle calls for the recorking/extracting the extra air device that you gave us as a last Christmas gift.  We use it all the time.  It works so well.  We think of you every time we use it John.  Thank you!

It might be the last night of the summer warm enough to eat outside.  I shake out the tablecloth, laying it on the teak table on the outdoor patio.  I think of all the other meals we’ve had outside on warm summer nights together.  I cherished those dinners then and I treasure them even more now.  How I wish you could sit here at the table with us tonight John.  I miss you.

Another Honda Fit following me today.  I keep looking back in the rear-view mirror hoping that one time it will be you.  Following me home.  Oh how I wish it was you.

Neil Young playing on the radio when I turn on the car after filling up at the gas station. I remember how you came home that one time and played Neil Young over and over.  Harvest Moon sings out from the radio.

“Because I’m still in love with you, I want to see you dance again”

 And of course the sirens.  Every morning there is a siren and I spin back to the nightmare of a year ago when a siren screamed toward your apartment.  Every morning, every siren, I think of you and my heart stops for a moment.  I am shaken into the reality that this is all true.  That I will live the rest of my life without you in it.  Remembering you and missing you every single moment of every single day.