Nine months.  The human gestation period.  A school year. The number of months that John has been gone.  Nine months today.

Matt made it through almost three weeks of his sophomore year before John died.  One of the classes he was taking was Philosophy and Time, described in the course catalog as:

Considers a wide range of philosophical questions about time through the lenses of metaphysics, philosophy of mind, and theory of value. Topics include the question of time’s existence, how our minds represent events in time, and whether it is rational to be ‘biased toward the future.’

Matt was excited about this class and shared a little about it with us. I understood what he said about how sometimes time goes by fast and sometimes it goes by slowly while the clock’s hands move by at the same measure.  An interesting philosophical consideration.

My days go by slowly.  Even the days that are full. Sluggish minutes, long hours, eternal days.  Yet the nine months have passed by in a flash. How is it possible? Philosophy and Time.

Nine months out, it’s getting better. It has to have. Emotional pain is less intense. Longer stretches of time go by without thinking about John.  My sensitivity to discomfort has changed. I’ve toughened up.   I’m accustomed to people being uncomfortable around me, not knowing what to say, and I don’t care.  My appetite has returned.  Brain function is marginally better.  I can sleep through the night unaided.  I cry easily, but not as often.

I am giving myself a year of doing and feeling whatever I want to do or to feel.  I think it’s working. Every day is difficult and every “first” is difficult.  But I’m only three months away from the “second time”.  Time is helping. But I still miss him like crazy.