It’s Easter sunday and I’m alone (by choice, not for any lack of invitations from thoughtful friends).  Matt is in Valparaiso, Chile.  Paul is on his way to the Masters Golf Tournament.

I was raised celebrating Spring more than celebrating Easter. A simple celebration of nature’s rebirth. Ramos fizzes, eggs Benedict, grilled lamb and asparagus.  A hike in green hills specked with wildflowers.  As a parent, it summons memories struggling to fit plastic eggs together at 1:00 AM. Shoving Paul out of bed, pre-dawn, to “hop” around the garden.  In theory, I shouldn’t mind that I’m here alone.

My thoughts accompany me through my empty house and my empty day.  I think of what might have been if John were alive.  Matt would be at school in Massachusetts. I absolutely would have insisted that Paul take this “bucket list” trip.  If John were alive, would I have traveled to Boulder to spend time with him?  Probably not.  Convincing myself that I would see him soon enough.  Maybe June for Father’s Day at Lake Combie.  That would be soon enough.

But my resume of loss has been newly updated and if I knew now….I’d be on the first plane.

Shelby’s visit home over the past few days, accompanied by the news of Mackenzie’s engagement, add to my wondering.  What kind of love would have accompanied John on his life’s journey?  What gifts might have come with that love?

Settling into the rest of my life without John I’m left with observations that prompt these questions.  As I make plans to attend his friend’s graduations I wonder when he would have graduated.    Would he have learned to temper his emotions?  Control his impulses?  Make better choices?  Make different choices? Work a little harder?  Believe in himself? Would he have provided the next generation of Easter baskets accompanied by sticky kisses?

By dying young, he can be whatever I imagine.  I like to imagine him as a ski patroller by winter’s day and a bartender by winter’s night.  A wilderness fire and rescue guy in the summer.  24 on and 72 off.  Off-days spent fixing up houses and managing properties.  Barbequing, playing softball, coaching a kid’s flag football team.  Friends over.  Laughter.  Love.

Only dreams.