Paul and I are in Kauai. We planed it over a year ago, and decided not to cancel the trip just because John died. We would leave reminders of him at home. We didn’t expect to have many memories of him here. He was only here once, and it wasn’t his thing. Matt was interested in seeing volcanos, rain forests and sugar cane growing, so we booked a trip to the Big Island. We stayed in Volcanos National Park, but the “hot lava” wasn’t visible from any of the trails. The rainforest experience didn’t meet expectations either. Sugarcane plantations were shuttered long ago. It wasn’t a complete bust. We splurged on a helicopter tour over the barely visible lava. We were able to find some naturalized cane for Matt to hack down and taste, and we took a botanical garden tour that had a decent jungle section. But the real disappointment for John was when we arrived at the beach portion of the trip. He was too afraid of sharks to go in the ocean. Sand in his shorts made him cranky. But mostly, he couldn’t believe that I had picked a sedate hotel above the over-the-top-swim-with-dolphins-and-take-a-boat-to-dinner-Disneyland style hotel next door. The lame waterside at our hotel was a particular disappointment, with the angry pool shack guy yelling at the young hotel guests. After hearing about Hawaii from so many of their friends, both boys were convinced that our typical adventurous travel to more unique locations was far better.
I thought this trip to Hawaii would be a vacation from the pain of the past month, but grief doesn’t take vacations. I need a vacation from my sadness. I’m waiting for the day that I wake up and I feel just a tiny bit better than I did the day before. Every morning I hope that it will be the day, but it hasn’t happened yet. The stunning beauty here is accompanied by the incredulous realization that this is a world without John in it. No vacation from the sadness.